He said I looked weird down there…

Alright Folks, we’re going to start off the blog with a bang 😉

Let’s jump in…

I waited a decent amount of time to have sex. I didn’t date until I was 17 and then I didn’t really have a partner I was ready to be that intimate with until I was 23 when I met someone who ended up being my longest relationship to date. He thought it was crazy that I wanted to wait when I invited him to join me for a night when I was out of town for a craft market, but respected my decision. It took a while before I actually felt comfortable but a few months in, I decided I was ready.

I know a lot of people have shitty first times, and say they wished they had waited, while others say their first time was great even though it happened young. For me, I waited because I didn’t feel that connection with anyone until then, however for me, it still wasn’t a great first time. Getting naked with anyone at that point was a huge step of trust for me because I hadn’t even gotten close before then, so I was shocked when I finally felt comfortable with someone enough to be that vulnerable and the first thing he said upon seeing me naked was “You look weird”. Upon asking for clarification he informed me that my “lips” were big. First off, classic lack of information of proper anatomical name of the labia and second, excuse me?! I was shocked but having not had much exposure to other naked women from that angle, I took it as the truth: I was not normal and it was something that introduced a new insecurity that previously hasn’t really crossed my mind passed the general “what if they don’t like the way my body looks?” Well, turns out I immediately was not appealing to my partner in that way.

Believe it or not, I still had sex with him, and went on to for a couple more years before we would break up. Honestly, since he was my longest partner, and my first sexual partner, a lot of things that I have in this blog will be from him. Turns out he wasn’t as nice as I dreamed I would experience from a partner, but that’s for another post. Today, I am going to rewrite it how I would handle that incident now that I have become more rooted in my self-worth as well as write my first slightly smutty story to write how I wish it had gone my first time. Lets show my younger self some compassion and give her the story she deserves…

Do-over

We were in my room on my bed after a day spending time together. It was the first time I felt truly free to let things unfold. There was no feeling of hesitancy or insecurity. All I could think was, this guy makes me feel special, I have fun with him and I am ready for this. As we lay in a tangle of limbs, lips locked and an energy filled the room with tension, I make my decision.

“You are making it difficult to continue waiting,” I teased when we broke apart for air.

He pulled back further to watch my face, eyes alight, “really?”

“Yes,” I said, all teasing gone. “I am ready.”

Having waited months, he wasted no time taking me up on the offer. He tugged the hem of my shirt and I lifted my arms as he pulled it off and tossed it to the floor. It was soon followed by his shirt, and the rest of our clothes. I lay their bare, waiting for some guidance, unsure with what to do next. He made eye contact with me and then let his gaze slowly trace my body down to the apex between my thighs. Here he paused, and said “You look weird down there”

“What?” I asked, stunned.

“Your…lips are too big. It’s weird,” he said.

[side note, this is where we leave reality and move into story]

“Excuse me? I can’t believe you said that. All women are different and each as unique as a fingerprint.” I sat up, in defiance, no longer willing to let him touch me intimately or otherwise. This was not okay and I did not deserve to be treated that way. Who the heck has the gall to make people feel ashamed for their body when they are naked and choosing to be vulnerable??

“That’s not what I have seen,” he said back, he had the decency to look a apologetic.

“Not all women are what you see in porn or images online. Many women have labiaplasties because they don’t think they are attractive or are unusual and many of their fears or beliefs stem from people like you who have made it their business to decide what is the ‘best’ way to look. This is not okay and I don’t feel like doing this with you anymore. I want you to leave and maybe do some research about your perception of what is ‘normal’.” I said making eye contact with him and spoke with a quiet vehemence.

He moved to dress, as did I and I stood by while he gathered his belongings and made for the door.

“I am sorry for acting that way, I had no idea. I…I will do better going forward…”

“I appreciate the apology. I hope you do the research you need to, to at the very least ensure this doesn’t happen again and you realize what you are doing when you say these things.”

He nodded and left, glancing back once and sliding into his car. He drove off after buckling his seatbelt.

The Dream

Months later, she met a new man who seemed lovely and after a few dates, she realized she felt a lot more comfortable with him than the previous boy. He was caring and considerate. He opened the doors for her as she approached, not because it was the manly thing to do, but out of an act of consideration, the same as she would open the doors for him if she got their first. There was a playfulness to their connection, with a deep understanding that they were able to be themselves without concern of ridicule.

One night they were lounging at home after having cooked dinner together. They were snuggling on the couch together, sharing the occasional kiss just because they wanted to be constantly expressing their lust and care. After a while, the heat she felt in her lower abdomen increased and their occasional kisses turned into longer, deeper kisses. Lips parting to deepen the connection further. They broke apart, breathing heavily, making eye contact. She looked into his eyes letting her feelings settle.

“Do you want to take this further? I feel ready to take the next step with you. To have sex, if that’s what you are wanting as well…” she said evenly while watching for his reaction.

A grin lit up his face as the dimples in his cheeks deepened. “I have been ready for days,” he laughed. He pulled her into him again giving her another kiss. He then hauled her up and tugged her to his bedroom. She followed laughing feeling a giddiness that vanished once they reached his room and turned to face her.

He slowly approached, bracing her face gentle between his hands as he gently kissed her lips and let his hands trail down her neck, down the sides of her breasts to rest on her hips. There he grasped the hem of her shirt and paused while pulling his face back enough to make eye contact with her and wait for her confirmation that she was sure.

She nodded and lifted her arms to allow for an easier removal of her shirt as he pulled it up over her head. She followed his lead by grasping his hem and waiting for his confirmation as well. He smiled and lifted his arms, bending forward as she got to his shoulders so she could tug it off his tall frame. He looked down at her and she looked up at him. He leaned forward and trailed hot kisses from her lips, across her jaw and down her neck. She tilted her chin up giving him better access to her neck and arched into him. Taking it as an invitation, he continued trailing kisses to the top of her breast, moving his hands to the bra clasp at her back. Pausing again, he waiting until she whispered her consent before undoing the clasp and letting the bra fall to the floor.

He hummed in appreciation and took her nipple into his mouth giving it a flick with is tongue, causing her to sharply inhale. He grinned and did the same on the other breast while slowly moving his hands in from her hips to the button on her jeans. He paused, fingers poised to undo the button, again waiting for consent.

She let out a giggle feeling it was a little silly but she appreciated the care in which he was giving her in this moment. She was a little nervous after the last time, but this was already different because he was being mindful of her, unlike her previous experience. “Keep going,” she whispered.

He seemed to think better of the situation and quickly turned her and tossed her onto the bed, causing her to let out a squeal laugh of surprised. He returned to her jeans clasp while leaning over her and unfastened it. He tugged them down her thighs as she arched her hips up to help him get them off. He left her lacy underwear in place as he removed her jeans entirely before looking down at her with lust in his eyes. She laughed and sat up to help him with his jeans to level the playing field.

Once his jeans were on the floor, he stood in his boxers and she sat in her undies. She pulled him down on top of her, kidding his chest, neck and then his lips, letting her hands roam along the muscles at his back. He braced himself on his elbows and knees to save her most of his body weight while letting her trace his body. Her hands slowly made their way to the waist of his boxers and tucked a finger in the band to tug playfully while looking into his eyes.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” He asked knowing her desire to wait was borne of poor previous experiences.

“Yes, I am,” she brought her hands to his face and gently cupped his scruffy jaw and kissed him again.

He stood and slipped his boxers off, standing completely naked, and erect, letting her gaze wander for a moment. He then hooked his thumbs in her panties paused long enough for her to push his hands down, encouraging him to continue. He tugged them free of her legs and tossed them aside. He then took his turn to look at her eyes, trailing his gaze down her throat to her breasts, waist, belly and finally to the apex of her thighs where his gaze lingered. She held her breath.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered and looked back into her eyes with a heat that had somehow increased in his visual tour of her body. She smiled, a blush blooming in her cheeks and she reached up to tug him against her body once again.

They became a tangle of limbs as their passion increased.

This is what it’s supposed to be like she thought briefly. With someone who does not put you down, someone who embraces all of us and does not make our differences out to be something to be ashamed of.

The rest was history…

🍀

P.s. How was your first time? Did you have a happy ending? Or do you wish you could have rewritten the experience? Let me know in the comments below!